The Man vs. Woman Series: The Great Lotion Debate
Every morning when I wake up, I brush my teeth, take a shower, get out and proceed to applying lotion (Palmer’s) in all the places on my person that could possibly be exposed to the elements. Specifically, I apply lotion on my arms, legs, face, neck, feet, hands, etc.
My girl does the exact same thing I do when she wakes up in the morning, except her Lotion Application Process is a wee-bit more involved. Hell, I just officially named it and gave it capital letters. She pulls out two different sets of lotions and basically douses herself in them making sure to cover every nook and cranny. It’s a program that takes no less than 5-10 minutes for her to complete every morning. I mean there are two different lotions, phases if you will, so it’s bound to take a while to complete.
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Now, in nearly every relationship where the two partners are wont to end up in the buff at some point in the same space at the same time, the lotion observation will take place. And it usually comes from the woman reminding us that we missed a spot.
She is usually wrong. You see, much like pedicures, men tend to do what’s necessary for survival. The reason we don’t get pedicures (aside from looking like a funboy) is that largely, they’re not necessary for survival. As long as your toenails stay trimmed you’re in the clear. With lotion, similar logic applies. Plus, most of us men aren’t exactly contortionists. Sure we love watching you all bend every kind of which-a-way in order to lotion your back, but we’re not going to do that.
Back to survival for a second. Us menfolks recognize when our skin is dry. Of course you have your dudes who couldn’t care less but I guarantee you that this is a decision they’ve come to over time because in any Black household, two things were always present: lotion and Vaseline. It’s a bet that your mother probably lotioned you up to high hell at some point and vaselined you down similarly. Mothers do that.
Anyway, men wear lotion and stay hydrated because it’s patently noticeable when we’re not. And you can’t bag chicks that way. You especially can’t get a chick nude if you look like you work at Popeye’s – as a piece of battered and floured but not yet fried chicken. It’s just not a good look under any circumstances.
Women, being the soft and hopefully fluffy creatures that they are, tend to have a whole beautification regimen intended to keep their bodies feeling and smelling good. Men like this so it’s also about survival but in a different way. Sure you do it for yourself, I know, but looking and feeling good projects to other people and thereby increases your life chances. Survival of the fittest.
Plus, I guarantee there isn’t a man alive who would be okay with dating a woman who constantly looked like she woke up, took a shower, and then rolled around in baby powder for 3 minutes. Would he hit? Possibly, but you can’t keep a man that way. Do we care about if your draws and bras match? Nope. But we do care if you feel like a woman. A woman is not supposed to feel like a brillo pad. I shouldn’t be able to trace out California in your skin.
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And maybe you shouldn’t in mine either, but if I’m a little ashy in places that nobody’s generally going to see during the course of a regular day – except you, my boo, of course – you won’t question my manhood. You’ll just rub my back with lotion and then I’ll rub your back. Kiss me and I’ll kiss you back.
Pour lotion on me.
And of course, if you slap then I’ll slap you back.
If you, the woman doesn’t, well, you’ll feel rough and we might send you home a little early to go think about what you did wrong.
I keed. I keed.
Fortunately for me, my body stays plenty hydrated (and my momma is white) so perhaps my lotion needs aren’t the same as my homey D’Shankweyon or Babatunde. However, as a man, lotion is only required in places that might get exposed to air that might crack my skin.
It was written
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