5 Signs Your Cat Is Gay
Ever since Jason Collins came out of the closet as a gay basketball star, the world has begun to realize that we gays are just about everywhere, operating in all walks of life. In the workforce, we are no longer relegated to being snooty hairdressers, male stewardesses or the sassy sidekick in the movie Mannequin.
Despite the previously existing cultural stereotypes, gays are now being publicly identified in a multitude of masculine professions, such as NBA players, movie stars, successful media tycoon and American Idol host, even butchers, bakers and candlestick makers! (although the idea of candlestick makers being gay is probably not that surprising when you think about it)
But what about your cat? Let’s face it. All cats are really into sex. Like, could they be bigger pervs about watching humans do it and/or masturbate? It’s totally gross, but we let these wide-eyed fur balls into our lives because they are so darn cute, and 9 times out of 10 they always turn out to be total nympho horndogs about everything. It’s adorably disgusting.
Food is obviously #1 on the kitty cat hierarchy of needs, but I would venture to say that the erotic human form is a close second. I swear to god my cat Koko can smell me watching gay porn on my computer all the way from his litterbox on the other side of the house, and will always come running so he can burst in on me, mid-fap. And then immediately he wants to be cuddled.
This leads me to my point–just like their human counterparts, many cats may very well be homosexual. Statistically speaking, fewer cats are gay when compared to other animals, such as dolphins or unicorns, but the possibility that your feline companion is gay definitely exists. You may have never even considered that your cat is gay, and that is why I have written this serious and very important lifestyle article.
If you do suspect that your cat might be gay, it is crucial that you sit them down, and let them know that you understand that they have these certain feelings or desires, and that this is okay, and in no way will influence how much you love them or their feeding schedule. Then you will reach down and hug you cat, and they will bite or scratch you, or exhibit some other type of passive-aggressive behavior, because cats definitely want affection, but only on their own terms.
–THE SIGNS–
#1 YOUR CAT IS REFUSING FOOD/GOING TO THE GYM A LOT
A cat refusing to eat is a really big deal. Even the terrorist kitties locked up at Guantanamo did not join in the organized prisoner hunger strike going on down there, and continue to feed 3-8 times daily, depending on the strength of their meows. If your cat has resorted to extreme dieting, seems to be chasing objects on the floor that aren’t really there even more than usual just for the exercise, requests organic high-protein/lo-calorie meals, or is asking you to “check out” his “ripped glutes,” then you should know that these are signs that your kitty may be obsessed with fitness, so they can remain a hot physical commodity on the gay cat singles scene.
#2 YOUR CAT KEEPS ASKING YOU TO TAKE THEM TO SEE THE MUSICAL CATS
Musical theater is traditionally seen as a beloved gay pastime, and no other musical speaks to theater-loving gay cats as much as CATS. All cats have the T.S. Elliot poems on which this musical was based more or less memorized, but only the “Rum-Tum Tuggers” in the bunch are going to want to see the exquisitely choreographed Andrew Lloyd Webber musical sensation. Even when you explain to them that the show closed on Broadway and only sketchy community productions are available, they will still beg you to take them. This is a sign.
#3 YOUR CAT MAKES FREQUENT TRIPS TO EXOTIC LOCALES, WITHOUT YOU
Sure, lots of our cats have “family” overseas, and may take the occasional trip to visit with some distant relatives. However, if your cat seems to be taking frequent excursions to Bangkok or Budapest or Buenos Aires on a regular basis, it may be because these locales are known as seedy hotspots for feline sex tourism. At a certain point, you have to wonder why your cat is taking so many trips without his human, and what he is doing there that he doesn’t want you to know about.
#4 YOU CATCH THEM DOING THIS
When I had two male cats, I caught them hooking up a couple of times. I am talking full on dry humping. Here they are, the time I snuck up on them with a camera.
#5 YOUR CAT IS OBSESSED WITH LICKING THEIR OWN GENITALIA AND/OR BUTTHOLE
Hahahahahaha! Just kidding! All cats are obsessed with doing this, regardless of sexual orientation. This is NOT a sign!
*Please note that I used the word “gay” in this article mostly in reference to gay male stereotypes. This is not meant as a sign of disrespect to gay females, I just wanna keep “5 Signs Your Cat is a Lesbian” open as an option for future content. =)
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