Let me start by saying this is nothing more than a humorous look at what it’s like to date Mormon girls from a non-Mormon guy’s living in a Mormon-world perspective. Please don’t get butt-hurt by this. Or do. I’m cool either way. But I think it’s an interesting discussion in this crazy and confusing dating world.

Anyway, I bet all you single people are super jealous of where I live. And, yes, I’m being facetious. Take away Utah’s glorious mountains. Take away Utah’s booming economy. Take away the best snow for skiing that exists on Earth (at least it used to be before the globe started warming). And you have this stripped-down bubble called Utah.

More specifically (for the next two months at least), I live in this bubble within the bubble called Utah County.

Utah County is the epicenter of Mormonism. And while there has been a mass-exodus of LDS people (Mormons) leaving the church the last several years, Utah County itself still has a very high Mormon to non-Mormon ratio.

A little bit about faithful Mormons (the ones who follow the Mormon rules):

They do not drink. Ever. And alcohol scares the living daylights out of them. A beer in your fridge might as well be a confession note that you murdered someone because you’re going to the same place for either one.

They do not have sex before they tie the knot. Ever. In fact, they don’t do anything sexual before the nuptials. And I mean, anything. Anything that ends in any type of arousal before you say “I do” is a big no-no. You must be a non-sexual human being. It’s the rules.

They do not use sailor’s language. They don’t say “oh my god.”  They do not laugh too loud. They do not drink coffee. Or tea. Or smoke. They do not go to movies on Sundays. They also don’t shop on Sundays. Or do anything that isn’t keeping the day holy on Sundays.

They don’t believe they can attain the best spot in heaven (the highest degree of heaven) without having a solid marriage, keeping all those rules above (and literally all the other 5,000+ Mormon rules that exist), and having their marriage sealed for all eternity in the Mormon temple.

A little bit about me:

I do all that stuff. And I don’t believe any of that stuff. And I like my life.

Whew. Glad I got that off my chest.

Now… Dating apps. And Mormon girls. And how fun all of that is living in this bubble within the bubble.

Take Tinder, for example. The amazing app that is single-handedly changing dating forever.

Here. I will just quote the first few profiles of the first few random Mormon girls’ Tinder accounts (about 70% of them) that pop up.

1. “LDS.” Yep, that was a good first one. Nothing else. Just, “LDS.”
2. “I am tall (5’11”!), adventurous, and I love seeing the world. LDS and looking for someone who lives LDS standards.” Hm. Yep. Pretty typical.
3. “LDS and very serious about it. Not here looking for a hookup.” Wow, straight to the stay-out-of-my-pants point.
4. “I walk, run, I fall on my face a lot, and I will dance no matter where I am! I’m also LDS, but I don’t judge you if you’re not.” Hm. The wolfess in sheep’s clothing. Do I need to remind you what I think about the phrase “I won’t judge you for that.”

You get the point.

And while it’s funny to me when the only thing a woman’s profile says is “LDS,” it’s honestly not that funny to me that women list whether they’re LDS or not. Most non-LDS list that detail as well. I actually love that people mention it. It’s how Tinder has to work around here because… well… did you read those two lists of their never-dos and my love-to-dos above? It’s good to know if you’re automatically going to be doomed for failure with someone, don’t you think?

But perhaps the funniest thing to me are the Mormon girls who don’t say that they’re Mormon, and with whom I get to talking, and eventually when it comes out that they’re Mormon (and I tell them I’m not interested), they spend so much energy convincing me that it might work and it’s worth a shot. It happens a lot. And I don’t get it.

If I am convinced of anything in the Utah dating game by now, it is that it will never, and I mean never work out between a believing Mormon girl and me, even if that Mormon girl is a non-active Mormon or a partial believer.

And while I believe that, here’s the problem. There are so many single incredibly beautiful Mormon women around here. Maybe it’s the lifestyle free from alcohol and other things that make them so beautiful. Maybe it’s the societal pressure here to always look amazing. Maybe it’s a combination of everything, but few people will deny that the ratio of gorgeous Mormon women is ridiculous compared to the ratio that exists for everyone else. And as a typical man, having dating fun on a superficial app, that does affect things. (Enough said without coming off even more douchey.)Anyway, I have this rule: No matter how beautiful. No matter how enticing. No matter how exciting, and perky, and flirtatious they are. Never. Ever. EVER. Date. A. Mormon. Girl.

The reasons are obvious, but my number one reason is actually the very last thing on that list. The “temple marriage.”

See, I’ve learned that especially in this day and age, Mormon girls can be anywhere from “almost-out, crazy, wild and fun,” to “fully-in, fully-believing, and fully-strict” with their rules. It’s actually not completely unheard of to meet a beautiful Mormon girl, start dating, and both of us be totally cool about leaving the other person and the other person’s lifestyles and beliefs alone.

But what has happened for me 100% of the time over the last five years of being single is this…

If I date a Mormon girl, and if she believes at all that the Mormon church is or might be true, and if she believes at all in the whole concept of “marriage in the temple for the right kind of heaven,” then it is inevitable (and I don’t use that word lightly) that that one singular belief will begin to weigh on her, and become increasingly more important to her as the relationship progresses. Because of that, a wedge will always be created that will never be removed from the progression of the relationship unless either she or I converts to the other person’s way of life and belief-set. She doesn’t want to miss out on that slice of heaven. I don’t want to live as a Mormon has to live. So someone has to change or down in flames it goes.

Who is that fair to? Not me. Not her.

And since it’s always going to be doomed, isn’t it okay to just say “never, ever, ever?” I think it’s more than okay.

And so, I don’t understand (and find it rather humorous) that the conversation almost always goes something like this when I realize long into the conversation that I’ve been talking to a Mormon girl the entire time. I like to jump straight to the punch at this point. No sense wasting time.

This is an actual recent conversation I had on Tinder with a Mormon girl:

Me: Wait. Are you LDS?

Her: Yes.

Me: Good on ya. I’m not. I’m most *definitely* not.

Her: It’s okay. I’m not sure it has to affect dating.

Me: Hahaha. This is where I bow out. You’re beautiful, you’ve been fun to talk to. But I don’t date Mormons. It is guaranteed to fail.

Her: Rude! Why do you say that?

Me: Not rude! I think it’s awesome that you believe in something and live it. I just live and believe something else. Plus I’m far too heathen for you, I guarantee it.

Her: I don’t judge people for living differently than me. And I highly doubt you’re too heathen.

Me: Here’s reality. I swear. A lot. I laugh and joke at a lot of really inappropriate things. I drink alcohol sometimes, and I like drinking alcohol when I do. I have tattoos. I not only enjoy sex before marriage, but I strongly believe it’s important to have sex before you ever get married to a person. And I just have sex for fun sometimes. Is that sufficient to scare you away or should I keep going? Hahahaha.

Her: OMG. You’re such a turd. You might find that you like dating someone different for a change!

Me: Oh, you’re gorgeous and hilarious, I have no doubt it’d be fun. For a while. But the demise is inevitable. You have to admit it.

Her: How so?

Me: I’m not going to change. Ever. Do you really think you could be okay with that?

Her: I think so.

Me: LOL. You’re amazing. I know that from two days of talking to you. And if you weren’t Mormon, I’d ask you out in a heartbeat and immediately get to work making you fall in love with me. LOL. Since you’re Mormon, though, I think I’d just get to work making you super uneasy just by being myself!

Her: Not every Mormon gets uneasy! I’ve been around all of that, plenty!

Me: Oh, you’re a naughty one. Ha.

Her: Maybe. Still, I don’t think you should just write someone off because they believe in a different religion than you do, mister.

Me: That’s fair.

Me: So, knowing all of that about me, and knowing that I will never convert and never change any of that, and that I will not censor myself around you, you honestly still would want to go out?

Her: Sure! I bet we’d have fun!

And that was that. I broke my rule and went out on a date with her…

I ordered a beer. She didn’t even blink. Well, that was a better start than expected. I organically dropped an f-bomb while telling a funny story. She grimaced a little, but said nothing. Okay, sure, I don’t know about that grimace though. The dinner was going great. She was even funnier than she had been while we were talking on Tinder.

And then…

Her: So, you know that I’ll never be okay with the sex before marriage thing, right?

Me: Hahaha. Ummm…

Her: I mean, I’ve thought about it since you said that, and I just need to put that out there.

That was followed with an hour long discussion about the pros and cons of waiting for sex until marriage.

That was followed up with a short discussion about how weird it is to talk about marriage at all on a first date.

That was followed up with a little discussion about how I shouldn’t judge her, and I never know. She might be okay with sex before marriage if she was really in love. In fact, she was sure she could be.

That was followed up with  a short discussion about how weird it is to discuss the possibility of sex from a technical standpoint on a first date.

That was followed up with another discussion about our very different lives and beliefs and how they will almost certainly clash.

And our date ended on a positive note where we laughed about all sorts of non-Mormon things. I even got a little goodnight kiss {tee-hee}.

Well, shoot.

She was pretty. And funny. And a great conversationalist. And someone I’d totally ask on a second date. We discussed going on a second date. We promised to text and call each other again.

But…

She was Mormon.

And I am not.

And something about our conversation collided in whatever was swirling in her head after our date because 32 minutes later I got a text that simply said, “you’re right. I really like you, but this would never work.”

Me: LOL. Oh yeah?

I never heard from her again.

And once again, for the thirty-fifth time at least, I recommitted myself to my rule of never, ever, ever dating a Mormon girl.

But… there’s just something about them that I can never seem to keep that damn rule for long at all.