I Would if I Could
Back around New Years, I decided blogging was taking too big of a role in my life, and I needed to cut back. I wanted to find a better balance with work, parenting, friendships, hobbies, relationships, and just plain having fun.
And then in mid-January, my car was rear-ended and I suffered major whiplash. All of a sudden, my life priorities changed in a big way. Now I spend much of my day simply trying to heal. Family and work come second. Hobbies aren’t possible. And blogging must come dead last.
It’s been frustrating. To go from a daily writing habit that lasted nearly a decade, to not being able to write at all, has been hard to take.
Health-wise – my back and neck pain are slowly getting better, as long as I don’t actually do anything during the day. Sitting up straight is great for my back. Walking is fine, as long as I don’t pound my feet. Lounging on the couch hurts. Running is out of the question.
(I semi-jogged across the street the other day, only to have my back and neck seize up. I became nauseous and dizzy, and another massive headache ensued. My nervous system is on overdrive. And I learned my lesson: from now on I tiptoe wherever I go.)
Thankfully, I can pedal on my bike on a trainer in the TV room. I get some exercise, and catch up on my soccer viewing at the same time.
Harder for me are the headaches. I have massive headaches that sometimes last all day, pretty much every day. I also get dizzy and incredibly sleepy when I bend my head forward. Presumably this is because my neck is cutting off circulation to my head, but I don’t really know. (I’m following up with doctors.) The sleepy/dizzy/light-headedness means I can only work on my laptop for an hour or two before I need to go lie down and take a nap, or get on my bike and pedal away my frustration.
Which brings me to blogging: I would if I could.
With 2-4 hours of computer time each day, I have to devote those to work. There’s just no time for blogging. (I’m stealing time right now because I need to write.) Other bloggers, please don’t take it personally if I don’t come around right now. I physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually can’t. I have to heal.
The day I semi-jogged across the street and my body revolted, I needed to see my physical therapist “right now” to help get me back to a normal level of pain. She wasn’t available, so I saw someone else in the same office. The new therapist did some work on my neck, and I could feel my back almost relaxing and releasing. She encouraged me to do just that, and my eyes welled with tears. Letting go in my back meant a torrent of emotion would be unleashed, and I didn’t know this therapist yet. The trust wasn’t there between us.
I held back the tears.
Even then, I wish I could have just let go. I sense clearing out bad energy will be part of the healing process. What that energy is, I don’t really know. Partly it’s frustration from the accident. Partly it’s being tired of having to daily fight for enough energy that I can get something done. Partly it’s not having anyone in my life who can help out while I heal. (That the therapist was helping really touched me deep.)
A good cry would probably be good for me. And believe me, I would if I could.
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