Fantasy Island: 5 Things That Are Probably Better In Theory Than Reality

March 3, 2025 by Andrew Small No Comments

People by nature are an inquisitive bunch. We all take several flights of fancy throughout the course of the day. Most of us envision what we’d rather be doing instead of working the job we don’t want at the company we don’t like. I spend more time sitting envisioning what my life would be like if I became a Samoan who dabbled in the fine art of origami while noodling a Swedish Nigerian Oriental Pygmy Amazon than I do what my life looks like as a sexxy debonair couch f*ckin’ gangsta mac.

While that may seem a little odd to you, just imagine what I’d do with a clothes hangar and some shotgun shells.

Things is, they’re fantasies for a reason. Generally, they’re not possible or all around ridiculous. Yet and still, many of us think that our fantasies are what life is all about. Some of these fantasies are also better in theory than in reality. Such as:

1. Threesomes

I can neither confirm nor deny that I’ve ever been involved in one. But logistically speaking, threesomes really don’t make much sense. For one, 2 girls 1 ~~cup~~ guy, while seemingly a male fantasy really isn’t constructed to be good for anybody but the dude. Why two chicks who aren’t being paid to perform would indulge in such is beyond me. Not that I’m knocking it, just saying I don’t get it. And two dudes? I’ve seen some film of ill repute where sword fighting ensued and quite frankly, that terrifies me. How do you look at your boy the same again after you’ve grazed one another? I feel like there has to be a support group for those guys. Crossed Swords Support Society or something.

2. Cougar love

So I half-a**edly watched the BET Honors last night with Gabrielle Union hosting. She sucks. And not in a good way. In fact, Gabrielle Union has become so vapid and boring that she’s increasingly becoming less attractive. That has nothing do with cougar love. Cicely Tyson was a recipient and my mind immediately thought about how old she must really be (and no I don’t trust Wikipedia, I’m sure I saw Cicely Tyson in a Charlie Chaplin film) and further, how unexciting it must be to smack bellies with a woman who actually invented sex. Something about old stank scares me. While I’ve said that I’d schlong down an old chick, the truth is, I felt truly bad for Eddie Murphy in Boomerang. How he managed to take that one for the team made me respect him as a gentleman and a scholar.

3. Being bound

You know, I have NO desire to be apart of any S&M behavior, but I can’t lie, I’ve thought about it before. Except, whips and chains…like didn’t we kind of hate that sh*t back in the 1800s? Or were we just upset that we really didn’t have any say so? Plus, what if somebody actualy forgets the key and handcuffs you to a bedpost. Sure it looks funny on TV in a sitcom, but what if that happens in real life? Plus, what if you’re chick (or dude) ends up going all Kathy Bates on that arse and you can’t do nothing because you’re all bound up and what not…which reminds me of…

4. Candle wax

Hot.Like.Fire. <——-It seems all sexxy and sensuous but really its just hot. It’s hard to stay in the mood when you can smell your flesh being absorbed into the lavendar wax that’s being dripped all over your torso. Plus, you’re gonna need that candle after you all drink coffee later. Matches don’t cover up ALL the smell.

5. Food

I remember watching the movie Trippin’ and one of the characters put a banana in the crack of a young aspiring stripper’s heiny. Now, as opposed to that just looking sexxy – and let’s face it, what could possibly sexxier than seeing a banana in all of its unpeeled glory laying flush in the crack of some suspecting supple derriere – I immediately thought about how disgusting that actually is, and further about the fact of how nasty it actually is to use some certain foodstuffs. Like whipped cream. Like whipped cream on the schlong and then vaginal insertion? Um….that sounds like asking for more trouble than three Black guys walking down the street in Boston with a drugged up white chick singing “She Swallowed It”.

Anything else that seems better in theory than it does in reality?

Gimme what you got.