Falling In Love With Potential
Maybe there are some people we are meant to love; some people that speak straight to your heart. Then again, maybe there are others that you build up in your head to be more than they, creating an illusion of love.
I think this is woman’s most fatal flaw. We romanticize men; adding qualities to them in our head until we really believe they possess them when in truth they don’t. Another one we are good for is falling in love with a man because we see in him what he could be but not who he currently is. You see the potential they have and know that if only they’d live up to it that, well, then they’d be amazing! They never do, do they? They resent us for pushing them and we spend our time wondering what happened to the man we thought we knew, when in reality…we made him up.
We take a man, who for all intents and purposes is a decent enough man, and out of the goodness of our hearts (or so we tell ourselves) want to see him be the best possible version of himself; a version that he doesn’t want or need. We turn into “that person” with their unwanted advice and self righteous judgment. We see what he could be…what he “should” be in our eyes.
I was with a man in college who was very laid back about his path in life. He would smoke weed and basically flounder through his day. I would look at him and say, “My God, if he only applied himself he’d be scary! He is so much more than he gives himself credit for.” And then I waited and waited for him to grow up and realize this…thing was he never did. I was so angry for wasting my time waiting for him to grow to this potential and I had nobody to blame but myself. He never said to me, “Jewels, one day I’m going to be great. I’m going to be amazing…you just wait and see.” Nope, he was and is quite happy with himself just as he is. I say kudos to him for feeling that way and shame on me for doing that to him (even if he never knew I had).
This behavior often leaves the woman feeling unfulfilled and pushing her man to be more than he is. Cornering him with lines like, “If you’d just apply yourself more”, “You’d better be able to provide for our family if you would set your sights higher”, and “I don’t understand why you don’t grow up and become an adult.” None of these are pleasant things for a man to hear. He’s left shaking his head and wondering what the hell just happened and you’re left angry.
Imagine for a second being him. Here you are going about your day, providing for your woman the best way you know how, and she shows her appreciation by asking you to do more. Not exactly the kind of treatment you’d be happy to come home to, or the kind of woman who would want to make you stay faithful. It’s not a nice reality…but it’s what I believe to be true…sorry.
All women ask for is to be accepted and loved for who we are and then we try to change our men. How does that make sense? Deep down I think we know it doesn’t and feel guilty for treating them the way we do. It’s our fault. They were always themselves-it’s us who created the other half…the half where they meet their potential…with our good intentions and overactive imaginations we have caused our downfall. We fell in love with ½ of who they were; the other ½ we created. So we stay in these relationships that aren’t what we thought they would be, trying to make the best of them, and making everyone involved pretty miserable.
I believe it is the rare woman who looks at a man and truly sees who he is. Who has no misgivings about who he truly is. It’s my belief that the women who do this are the ones who enter into healthy, lasting, relationships and marriages. I am lucky to have a few such girlfriends. As for myself, I try to see the good and the bad and accept it all, and if I can’t accept the bad, then I have to walk away however hard that might be. It’s only when we accept the flaws, without hopes of changing them that we have a chance. Only when you look at him clipping his toe nails in the living room, drinking from the orange juice container, procrastinating, throwing his clothes in a pile on the floor, scratching his balls or picking his nose and say, “Yup, that’s my man and I wouldn’t have him any other way.”, that you can safely enter into a marriage. You have to say to yourself, “Sure I’d love it if he didn’t do those things but I can live with the fact that he does.”
Sounds so easy, huh? It’s my belief that a lot of women (me included sometimes) think that they are doing this…but secretly…in the back of our minds we are still hoping for some improvements. I have to believe that it is possible to do this…to see somebody for everything they are and love him flaws and all…maybe I just haven’t met the right man yet and that’s why it hasn’t happened.
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