That damn Beyonce.

At this point, I honestly think she makes songs strictly to drive me crazy. Beyonce “4″ album full of songs that most of us will not remember minutes after listening, but apparently many people love. Sometimes, I think that I get different versions of albums than everybody else because my versions suck and others don’t. Oh well. One particular song on this bizarre ryde to the pharcyde is “Best Thing I Never Had”, which I believe was penned by Babyface and some other men who write songs for women about how women feel about men. Though, if my name was Babyface…still…I’m sure I’d be able to tap into that same soft place that Drake taps into as well. Maybe they should start a group called Prison Mentality and release an album called “I Dropped The Soap”.

An-t-way, “Best Thing I Never Had”. I hate this song. I’ve been trying to figure out why and it dawned on me the other day…again, the entire premise is off on this song. It’s…wait for it…

…wait for it….

…flawed and all.

*rimshot*

Le sigh. So this song, as you can imagine by the title, is about a chick who is dating a man though there’s no real commitment (I’m assuming) since she’s the best thing he never had and she’s the best thing he never had. Rah rah rah, sis boom bah.

Before I go into it, I kind of hate a lot of female empowerment songs. I know that sounds jacked up but hear me out. It seems like most of them are geared towards keeping chicks off that gallon of ice cream after a break up. Every single song is like a 3 minute version of For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When Rainbows, Lucky Charms, and Four Leaf Clovers Weren’t Enough. The men being taken aim at all suck…which is fine. That part makes sense. Except, they all take the unnecessary and just wrong step of assuming that the man is worse off without her. And let’s be real…considering its a buyers market out here for men, if we thought we’d be better off with you, we’d stay. But we don’t so we…don’t. Granted, I understand why songs end up this way, it just always annoys me.

I guess I just wonder if that’s what women really do to make each other feel better? Just tell their friends that the dudes life sucks without them? What liars. No wonder so many women are ready to stab their exes when they see them out. The ex-boothang is supposed to be miserable but instead he’s out spraying champagne on scantily clad women tossing wads of 1′s at Amber Rose and smiling.

And this song is no different.

I know you want me back
It’s time to face the facts
That I’m the one that’s got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

So here’s my beef…if they were never really together, how exactly is she the one who got away? Clearly their not soul mates or he wouldn’t be f*cking up right? And ultimately, how in Sam Hill would she ever KNOW that she’s the best thing that he never had. It ain’t like he’s going to call her some years from now and say, “you know, Beyonce song written by Babyface, I know we never truly got together and fell in love and shared something real like Mary J. Blige and K-Ci, but what I envision our relationship could have been…well, that was better than anything I’d ever be able to get…even though I have no idea what dating you in a committed situation would be like. Thank God you found the good in goodbye. Even though we were kind of just dating and stopped, since I showed my a** somehow – how exactly did I do that…I mean she really was my cousin – I definitely lost out on the opportunity to break up with you in the future because of your flaws and all.”

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
Baby good lookin’ out

I’ve heard more women talking about dodging bullets than a little bit. What up with that? I actually had a chick say that about me once though she sort of denied that she was talking directly about me. Anyway, what did he blow? The chance to be with you? How do you know he wanted to be with you? Did he ever say this? You say you almost fell in love so you were ready and he was taking his time? Sounds to me like he wasn’t trying to lock you down anyway which means…ta da…he good.

He happy.

He dodged a bullet. Not you. More men feel like this than you know. You dropped him. Allow me to speak for him…”thank you.”

I bet it sucks to be you right now

Um, based on this song it kind of doesn’t. In fact its kind of cool since chances are you gave up the snappy nappy dugout. Now, get it right, I’m glad you’re finding power in this situation and able to move on. Great…let’s do lunch and tweet about our dates.

Look, I realize that I’m reading a lot into a song sung by a woman who wrote “Bootylicious” and who’s most famous lyric just might be “to the left, to the left” but for some odd reason, she seems to make songs that while I enjoy, seem outwardly non-sensical in the real world of logic.

Basically, I get worried that a lot of women will misconstrue their situations as being of the “Best Thing I Never Had” variety when most of these chicks need to be singing the lyrics to Deniece William’s song “Silly.”

Anyway, folks, am I offbase here? It this just an attempt at misguided self-esteem buildling? Or is Beyonce singing the words that resound so deeply for so many women out there? Is Beyonce the theme music for female empowerment?

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