By now, most of the Ninjerati is aware that Gwyneth Paltrow tweeted that it’s “N***as in paris for real” from the Watch The Throne concernt in Paris over the past weekend. The-Dream, owner of the most unnecessary m-dash in history, attempted to stem the tide by claiming that he tweeted from Gwyneth’s phone.

As if!

However, apparently some colored got their panties in a bunch. Or at least that’s what I suppose happened. I honestly couldn’t care less. In fact, that story is such a non-starter to me because it doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t mean anything grand for society and it for damn sure didn’t set the Black community back hundreds of years. Naw, we do that plenty by ourselves every day on Twitter. But while being chided by a commenter on Monday’s post for wasting space on issues like zombies (a very real issue in my mind, up there with the re-election) and Champ’s “most embarassing moments ever” post, as opposed to issues like Paltrow’s misguided use of the loaded n-word I got to thinking. By the way, if in any way, shape, or form, you truly believe that Gwyneth using the n-word constitutes a black issue worthy of full discourse…

…stop it.

Moving on. Celebrities and white folks use of the n-word is a curious one enough by itself. Granted, we’ve had issues with television personalities (perhaps rightly) using irony as a weapon against us by wondering aloud why we can refer to ourselves with such language but the second a white person does it becomes an issue. And that’s actually a fair point. Hell, be honest here, that’s what Gwyneth was doing. There’s no doubt in my mind that she tweeted during their umpteenth rendition of “N*ggas In Paris” the song named by Kanye West as his was of not giving a f*ck. Jay apparently wanted to call it “Ball So Hard” but Kanye wanted the song to truly be on that n*gga sh*t. If that’s his wish. It’s what he got. Anyway her tweet leads me to my thoughts…are there any times where it is actually okay for white folks to use the n-word.

The answer is “yes”. It’s just not…suggested. Or recommended. But what are those times?

1. When it’s in the title of a song or album

See, “N*ggas in Paris”. Sure they could call the song “Paris” like radio stations were doing, but it sounds stupid. The song is called “N*ggas In Paris” and it should be respected as such. Calling it “N-Words In Paris” doesn’t sound right, nor does “Paris”. I’ve long contended that N.W.A. created the most ingenious album title ever with EFIL4ZAGGIN by spelling N*GGAZ4LIFE backwards, ensuring that white people could say the name of the album without feeling guilt. That’s why Dr. Dre is a gazillionaire and you are not.

2. In a court of law in reference to a quote

Hey white folks, if you’re on the stand and are asked to repeat what you heard, and the n-word is part of what you heard, you. better. work. Say it. Hell, it may be the ONLY time in your life you get to know what it feels like to be Paul Mooney. Take advantage. (Okay, so I am suggesting AND recommending it in this case). Granted, everybody is going to be listening extra hard to see how excited you are to use the phrase but still. For sympathy points you may want to cry a little to makes the joy. Nobody likes a show off.

3. In a quote from a rap lyric

Hmm, this is just like #1. I’m slow. I don’t reed gud. However, if we believe that rap is art and that artists don’t like their work being altered or deconstrcuted improperly, it stands to reason that you should respect and mimic such art in its true unaltered form. Therefore, when reciting said lyrics, you should recite the words verbatim. Unless, you are in an urban area or the Blacks outnumber you. Not sure what would happen if a white person did this in front of a bunch of white Latinos who will unironically use the n-word as well. My head hurts. Let’s move on.

4. When doing a public reading of a Black literature book

Why this would ever happen is beyond me. But let’s say that it did happen. If the reader DIDN’T read the words out loud or skipped them or changed them it would be like watcing Friday on USA or TNT. You know how words like “motherf*cker” turn into “mothertrucker” or something equally stupid. Well, yeah, that would suck. Much like Black literature books. But should a white person ever find themselves reading one, they’d have my blessing to read it as it is. Outloud.

Hmm. It seems like the only time its ever okay is while performing some sort of mimicry.

That sounds hypocritical. But hey, I didn’t make the rules.

So, what say you? Are these okay times for a white person to use the n-word? What are others? Let’s help them out (which would totally NOT be helping them out, irony thy name is bittersweet…actually its irony).

(And actually “yes” truly means no. There’s never a time where it’s truly okay. Bet that up.)

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