I know a lot of people swear they don’t use the bathroom at work.  Quite frankly I think they’re full of sh*t.

Pun.

The fact is, everybody at some point ends up having to use a public restroom.  Nobody likes doing this, but it is a necessary evil (as somebody pointed out yesterday).  Since it’s a necessity, wouldn’t the world be a better place if there were rules of common decency that everybody was forced to abide by?  Better yet, what if they were actually enforceable?

I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

Well, lucky for you, Panama is a humanitarian whose sole wish in this life is to heal the world and make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race.  Without the intense physical facial deformity and all.

So because I love you, here are some rules to this sh*t, this public restroom sh*t  (by the way, I wrote me a manual).

Please paste these rules up in your place of employment. Though people should know these things from common sense…apparently some sh*t just needs to be said.

Rule 1: Wash your hands because I don’t want to do the Balkan Sea Scratching Dance

It amazes me how many nasty motherf*ckers there are in the world.  People that will walk into a crowded restroom, use it, then walk right out touching whatever their hearts desire without even a drop of water touching their tainted flesh.  And folks wonder why there are people out there walking around with face masks and rubber gloves on the street.

Cuz nasty motherf*ckers LIVE.

Rule 2: There is no love in the champagne room, and there should be no talking in the bathroom UNLESS we are BOTH at the sink washing our hands (see Rule 1).

I don’t know about you, but if I’m standing at a urinal handling my business (or squatting at a stall for my ladies out there), I really do not want to have a conversation about the Miami Heat, swine flu, or Lady Gaga while I’m making piss hearts on the porcelain. I want to be able to concentrate in peace. There is no matter on Earth THAT pressing that it must be spoken of while another grown ass man/woman is handling toiletries. Only if Jesus has just showed up in the office elevator should you speak to me.

You know what, let’s take this a step further. If I’m sitting in a stall and you recognize my shoes, do not speak to me. I do not like that sh*t.

Rule 3: If you are in a bathroom where there are available stalls, always make sure there is a one stall buffer between you and the person next to you, if possible.

This perplexes me. Let’s be real, taking a sh*t is a very personal thing. It’s bad enough that you decided that you couldn’t wait until you got home, but the fact that somebody sat next to you makes the situation even worse. It makes you claustrophobic AND it pisses you off because you know there are available stalls.

Look, just don’t sit in the stall next to somebody. It just isn’t right.

And speaking of bathroom habits…

Rule 4: Taking a crap should not sound like you’re going into labor at work. It just shouldn’t.

It’s been established that taking a crap is a personal thing. There is no reason in HELL I should feel like I’m in the stall with you coaching and coaxing you to the finish line. Nothing makes me feel more uncomfortable than to walk into the bathroom to a bunch of grunting, wheezing, and heavy breathing. It’s just not right. I know sometimes you just don’t feel good and you gotta go. However, be a little more considerate. I don’t want to be forced to hear a loud grunt then a big plop in the water. Give me one or the other but preferably neither.

Thank you.

Rule 5: After stanking up the whole bathroom, do not, I repeat, do not spray on any body spray in hopes of masking the sh*t laden stench your pores are emitting.

Word to the wise…sh*t+body spray smells like sh*t+body spray. The two never mix the way you think they do. You will offend people and make me talk about you. You’re lilac body spray never quite covers up the smell of ass monkeys.

You just smell like LILAC SH*T.

I simply cannot emphasize this enough.

So falks, are there any other rules to bathroom etiquette that need outlining?

Share.  But ta-ta, don’t share too much (see Rule 4).

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