My Downfall: I Just Can’t Do It
There are many things in life that I’m good at. Being sexxy is one of them. Being gangsta is another. Impekabul spelling is another. In fact, if we were to sit here and list all of my various talents and amazing abilities, we’d be here all day, and all night.
Me? I set the game ablaze. I’m an Arcade Fire.
One time at bandcamp, I kilt me a bear, while writing a speech for Abraham Lincoln’s descendant Wood N. Lincoln-Log, AND saving a litter of muggle kittens from a burning inferno. Yes, I’m that bad a man. See, I’m good at sh*t. Being good at sh*t is what I do.
Except, I suck at a few things. And when I say I suck, I mean that I reaaaaaally suck at these things. In the spirit of sharing and community building, I thought it only proper to share with you all the things that make me human. So as an act of altruistic equalitarianism, here are some things I absolutely suck at.
Sharing is caring.
1. Eating cupcakes
This is embarassing but, for real for real, I’m handicapped at eating cupcakes. I start eating a cupcake and the sh*t falls apart. Crumbs tumble everywhere. The damn wrapping collapses onto itself. My fingers have icing all over them while I have to contort my body in odd angles just to make sure I actually can take a bite since apparently I like to eat cupcakes from the inside out. No pr0n. And none of this would be an issue if it didn’t seem like everybody else DID know how to eat a cupcake. I don’t know how I missed those classes but I’m definitely remedial when it comes to cupcake consumption. The worst part is that I keep eating them. I’ll see a cupcake, KNOW I don’t know what I’m doing and will still go through my 12 step process. Here’s the kicker, because I suck at eating them, I never finish them because I always finish the part with icing and I don’t just want the cake part.
Le sigh.
2. Drawing simple things
Even my stick figures look ‘flicted. I was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse one day and Mickey Mouse drew himself with a bowl. Yep, three circles, and a few extra lines and voila, Mickey Mouse face. Do you know I purposefully tried to do that and ended up drawing what looked like a cross between Quasimoto and Wesley Snipes? But you know what I didn’t draw? Mickey Mouse. Somehow I can draw crackheads but somthing with a simple shape like a circle is completely out of bounds. I’m not saying that my parents are disappointed in me, but they don’t like to talk about my existence.
3. Paying attention
It’s not personal, but if you have a really long story to tell, you’re going to lose me. I have the attention span of a stripper dealing with a broke baller. Early. I have a form of ADD that loses interest in most people’s long winded stories. I suck at meetings. I’ll be paying attention for as long as I can and then next thing you know, my mind has wandered into what the weather’s like outside…in fact, you need an example don’t you? Sure you do. Let me re-enact Panama’s train of thought.
Envision: Meeting About Needing New Supplies For The Office (no no, no no that would never happen)
Okay, we need some new paper because we’re running out of paper which makes sense if you think about considering how ridiculously ungreen these people are in this office with their gas guzzling Priuses which I actually think are more harmful to the environment than Hummers since I can at least HEAR a damn Hummer coming down the street but if you aren’t careful you’ll get run over by a Prius because the prick driving it likes to run up on people because he knows we can hear the car kind of like Shaq couldn’t stop the reign which doesn’t make any sense, kind of like it doesn’t make any sense that Shaq managed to get verses from Biggie AND make a Michael Jackson album even if it was HIStory Volume 1….come to think of it, what the hell happened to volume two…hm…guess we won’t get be getting that…MJ dead…SHAMON…what did he just say to me about placing an order…f*ck it, fake it til you make it…(outloud) I need six.
Yeah, I think that about covers it.
Ladies and gentlemen, of the jury, this case is pure biship. But it’s not a lie. I suck at certain things. But I shared with you because I love you.
Community builders, let’s examine our ooopsies. It’s Friday at VSB…
…what do you suck at?
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