Sex & Reasons For The Double Standard

February 2, 2021 by Andrew Small No Comments

I was discussing the issue of sex and dating recently with a single woman.

Frustrated she asked, “If I have sex too early, I’m easy, if I wait too long, I’m a prude!
If a man likes me enough to wait for sex, won’t the same man still like me enough if he doesn’t have to wait?”

It’s an interesting question. I wrote about the value in waiting in my article Dating & Sex. But no matter how many different ways I tried to explain my position to this woman, she was stuck on the double standard and tried to ‘argue’ that because it wasn’t fair for men to want sex early with women and then judge them for it, she was going to ‘do what she wanted, even if that meant having sex on the first date sometimes and to hell with the double standard.’

I told her that was a fine choice so long as she would be comfortable with the consequences.
That only frustrated her more….

But the fact is there are consequences for everything we do in life. The consequences aren’t always bad. But for every cause there is a effect. Or action/re-action when it involves human beings.

The bottom line is that you must be clear on what your goal is before having sex.

What result are you looking for? Physical release, express love, desire to deepen relationship, revenge, share closeness, make the other person or yourself feel better/wanted/validated, fear…?

Each one of those reasons for having sex is a desire with an expectation of a certain result. The other person’s reasons may be different. The desired or expected result/consequence may be exactly what you both hoped for and it may not.

What does this mean for sex and seduction?

If your desired result is a lasting love relationship, consider this:

You can scream all you want that it’s unfair that men judge an ‘easy’ woman or you can understand that for a man looking for love, the reason has less to do with the ‘easy’ woman and more to do with how it makes him feel about himself.

A man who is interested in a relationship with you wants to feel that it was his special qualities, his manliness, and his mojo that seduced you and won you into being sexual with him.
His ego demands it.
If you have sex with him on date 3 he knows he hasn’t had the time to prove to you he is worth it.

The luster of the hunt and chase and your final approval and ’succumbing’ is a large part of what will bond him to you. It’s a very seductive process for both parties.

Not because of the ‘sport’ of it, but because his psyche needs to prove to you that he is special, different, better, macho.
And he needs to feel that he won you because he earned it; because you realized how great he is.

More than the feeling of love, men want to feel respected and accepted.
If you sleep with him before you know enough about him to truly respect him, he won’t feel accepted for whom he is, sexually or otherwise and it will be difficult to undo that early perception later even if a relationship ensues.

The value of the woman who gives this dynamic time skyrockets compared to the girl who broke out the latex toys and handcuffs drunk after the 3rd date thinking porn star sex is the way to a man’s heart. Because of how the difference makes him feel about himself.

Especially when she attempts damage control by trying to make him feel like he earned her acceptance by saying, “I never do this; you just have an effect on me.”

He knows that if he truly earned her acceptance by who he is, he wouldn’t be hearing these words.

I’m not suggesting you use sex as a carrot dangled before him, you should naturally want to qualify him for yourself and let him show you how wonderful he is for himself.
And no matter how badly he wants sex, he wants you to as well.

That balance is the best sexual foundation for a relationship.

When your relationship turns into long term, he will always see you as more valuable than other women because the natural part of a man that wants to protect and care for the woman he loves doesn’t ever want to think of her as having been sexually indiscriminating (easy) with him or anyone else.

Sex always has meaning. Because society focuses largely on a man’s ability to separate emotion from sex we begin to believe he doesn’t have emotions at all or emotionless sex is his natural choice or ’state’.

Both men and women embarking on a love relationship can feel vulnerable about the timing and meaning sex has to the relationship.

Just as a woman desires the man she is sexual with to value and cherish her, a man desires respect and acceptance.

What do you think?

Does thinking about the ‘double standard’ this way make it seem so unfair?

Or can we realize that men can feel vulnerable regarding sex too?

References:

https://business.bremertonchamber.org/list/member/loveawake-de-2656

https://fvchamber.chambermaster.com/list/member/loveawake-de-770

http://www.livonia.org/list/member/loveawake-de-8034

https://business.nocchamber.com/list/member/loveawake-de-24804

https://web.lakehouston.org/list/member/loveawake-de-16507

https://members.sanramon.org/list/member/loveawake-de-4722