Male call: Villains and victims in Newsom affair
As you may know, sometimes we get e-mail from readers. Not all of it is printable, for legal, moral or merely grammatical reasons. But when we get more than a few responses to a particular topic, it makes us happy, because it means sometime soon we can concoct a space-filling “feedback” column. Today is such a day. Enjoy!
Gavin Newsom (plus
the astro-diaper case)
I have a problem with your take on the Gavin Newsom “menage a whatever” (“Diapers, maybe, but don’t mess with pal’s gal,” Feb. 13). I agree that the affair was rather sordid, but the real issue is between the husband and wife.
The thing that really offended me was your concept that a guy has dibs on a woman after a relationship ends and has the right to grant or deny permission for a pal to pursue any kind of relationship with the ex. A former girlfriend/wife/lover is free to form a new relationship with anyone within the bounds of propriety and without the blessing of her ex. And dating a pal of your ex does not cross those bounds.
You’ve been watching too many beer ads.
L.E. — Atherton
Dear L.E.: Why does everything have to be about you? (Although we did admire your use of the word “dibs,” if that makes any diff.) We never said the guy has control of the ex. We merely said that a guy’s friend should not go after an ex without permission. What the woman does is her business. If she wants to take the initiative and approach her ex’s friend, we say, go girl! (OK, we wouldn’t say that in real life. And if we do, please slap us.) Just be prepared for a non-committal response while he checks with his friend to see if it’s OK. P.S.: Whatever happened to the Swedish Ski Team ads, anyway? We loved those.
Everyone is talking about Gavin Newsom’s faux pas. What (about) this woman who broke her marriage vows? I hold Newsom relatively blameless in this whole matter. . . . Women totally control the whole aspect of sex. Ruby Rippey-Tourke needs to be held accountable. She is the one who allowed Newsom into her world. She is the one who screwed up her husband’s career. She should have confessed to her priest or minister, and kept it secret from everyone else.
J. — San Mateo
You are so right. It wasn’t Gavin, it was the bottomless glass of chardonnay talking! But, to paraphrase another reader on this subject (we couldn’t print his letter because it was filled with well-reasoned and cogent analysis), “it takes two to make a mockery of a marriage.” Like we said, paraphrasing here.
One hundred years ago they would be back-to-back, 10 paces, turn and fire. Newsom really needs his ass kicked.
S.W. — Palo Alto
In theory, S.W., your Old School approach has its charm. Then again, we never condone violence of any kind. Except when absolutely necessary, of course, such as when defending loved ones or attacking mosquitoes or gophers. You make the call as to where this case fits on that continuum.
I had the opportunity to attend college in Europe for two years and spent spring breaks on a small Greek island called Corfu. In the village where we stayed, the only bar in town opened at sunset, when all of the town’s women were required to be indoors. The bar itself was not overly impressive, but its distinguishing characteristic was a rain gutter installed at belt height that ran the length of the bar and emptied into a downspout. Fresh spring water from the town’s well ran continuously and, once seated, there was no reason to leave the comfort of your stool. Beats the (heck) out of Depends.
B. Minnery — Santa Clara
That is the greatest thing we’ve ever heard. Whether it’s true or not.
The 40-year-old virgin
You were so wrong saying that a guy wouldn’t back away from this situation (“Don’t fret over finding a cure for virginity,” Jan. 16 ). A man who is 40 years old or older would have plenty of hesitation about a woman with no sex history. First he would think, “What am I getting myself into?” and second, “If this is not pleasing to me, will I be able to get rid of her?” Most men at 40 want to be made love to with some experience. I sure wouldn’t want to be a teacher at this stage in my life. I know it would only make me leave her and look for someone who knew what she was doing.
M.R. — Kansas City, Mo.
OK, sure, we hear you. But what about those auto-didacts out there, those quick learners with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge? They at least deserve a chance to prove themselves, don’t you think? Just saying — let’s not be so quick to judge.
What does the 40-year-old woman who hasn’t ever had sex value more: sex, or the love and commitment of a guy willing to wait until he marries her? My bride says that knowing that she was my first (we were both past 40) meant more to her than the diamond ring or a paid-for house. Abstaining isn’t “weird” — it’s just a question of what you value more. If the guy wants sex before marriage, she should tell him, “If you want the last thing I have to offer, I want the last thing you have to offer — your lifetime commitment to me.”
L.B. — San Jose
Hmm, where have we heard that before? Oh yeah, an ex-girlfriend! Just kidding. But not really.
When is it a date?
I burst into laughter at your comment in today’s column (“Dinner or date? What to call first meet-up,” Jan. 23) about “hickeys = date.” After 19 years of marriage, I can’t remember the last time I used the word, let alone had to find a shirt to cover one up. Any suggestions for putting hickeys back in a marriage?
M.K. — Los Altos
Plenty, but, alas, none we can relate in a general-interest newspaper. And it’s probably just as well — you don’t want to be seen anywhere near a turtleneck.
Read More at
How To Flirt On Facebook Without Seeming Creepy
How to Get or Find a Girlfriend
Are Bald Men Less Attractive To Women?
How to stay `Friends’ after `The Break-Up’