Today’s economy has left a lot of people wanting. Men and women are losing jobs at an alarming rate, and often times from jobs they didn’t want in the first place. It is truly a bleak picture.

As a person who is responsible for providing for others, I truly fear the state of our economy where even the hardest working of us are subject to the whims of the almighty dollar. Capitalism for all of it’s greatness isn’t without its inevitable issues in times of depression.

And yet…

….there is an entire smorgasbord of jobs out there that there is absolutely no way in front, back, and side to side rock skate roll bounce North South East or West Hell that I’d do. I’m not talking jobs that nobody really wants like McDonald’s. I’m talking about the actual worst jobs in the history of the world.

DISCLAIMER: For the sake of argument let’s exclude jobs like slavery and those that include child labor and other UNDERSTOOD totally atrocious jobs. Splitting hairs is for scientists and chicks with bad perms.

See, I’m talking about the kind of jobs so bad that if it came down to these jobs or selling my body on the corner for profit to women with 3 teeth, none of which were present when they smiled, I’d take the latter and just close my eyes, Michael Oher.

Jobs like…

1. Pedi-cab drivers

I don’t know what would possess ANYBODY to think that bicycling a group of Asian tourists for miles across any city would be a good way to get exercise OR see the city. It is a horrendous idea and outright terrible employment. In fact, every time I see a pedi-cab driver I think to myself, “now there’s a guy who makes bad decisions.” Those aren’t even good bikes with numerous speeds. Nope, they’re crappy bikes with cabs full of people who take lots of pictures and believe in watching other’s suffer. Namely, bad people. Though, I’ve never seen anything other than a white guy peddling his life away so it’s a wonder more minorities don’t just make that man suffer.

2. The guy holding the spinning sign for a furniture company on the side of the busy intersection

I don’t know this man’s motivation in life but I’m almost sure that he did not play Hamlet at Cambridge. I’m actually curious as to how one ends up doing that job? Is it punishment? Did you drop a lamp? How do you keep yourself entertained for 8 hours just…standing there on the side of the road pointing a bunch of people towards a place that they’re not going. I mean has anybody EVER seen one of those poor bastards holding a sign for something that you then decided you really wanted to go to? Methinks not. In a moment of sheer comedy thought, one time I saw a dude spin his sign RIGHT into a car and nearly caused a 10-car collision. Those are the moments that are worth it.

3. Data entry person who enters data

I don’t mean plugging numbers into an Excel spreadsheet – which does indeed suck – but being the person who actually inputs the numbers on checks into a database system and calculator to ensure that the numbers add up. What? You say you’ve never heard of this job? Oh it exists. And how do I know? For one day in 1999, I did data entry. Let’s just say that I took the longest lunch break ever. It’s going on eleven years now and I’ve YET to find the sandwich shop I was looking for. Real talk, I walked straight off that job after three hours. And I’m pretty sure I flubbed a few check numbers.

4. Food taster for a mob boss

It has to exist right? TV mobsters always have food testers, right? Do you know why this job sucks? Either your dead or your not. Talk about lack of job security. I’ll bet getting life insurance is a mothercuffer with that job.

5. Person who puts the Netflix movies into their envelopes for mailing

This job definitely exists. Netflix just put Blockbuster out of business which means they’re moving more discs than Hyacinth. Somebody has to put the discs in envelopes…over and over and over again. Can you imagine how mundane that job must be? Plus, I’ve received the wrong disc before. Was I mad? Not at all, because I know some poor soul had to stuff that envelope and then seal it. And that’s just evil.

So what do you have? What are actual jobs out there that suck more nuts than Antoine Dodson at New Birth?

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